About Sterling in Canada

August 1998
By a Sterling graduate--1996 and almost member of its "Family of Women"

One of my acquaintances belonged to Sterling. I noticed she was always going to meetings and I felt that there was a peculiar element of control--"I'll get in trouble if I don't go to the meeting". In the Family of Women missing a meeting seemed to be strictly forbidden--on a serious illness or a death seemed to suffice as reasons, by their standards, to miss a meeting. Invalid reasons might get you kicked out.

My acquaintance let me know that there was a "Women's Weekend" coming up in Oakland, California in November of 1996. I signed up right away--didn't even go to one of the "open houses". .I was so excited that I would be able to solve some problems and try to achieve my personal goals. It sure cost a lot of money--$500 (about $750.00 Canadian).Then there were all the expenses--e.g. airfare. For those who could not afford it--they would have to raise funds or another person in Sterling might sponsor them.

When I arrived in Oakland I was pretty excited. I thought I would see San Francisco, but we stayed at a pretty horrible hotel in Oakland. Early the next day (we had arrived in Oakland during the night) all of us who traveled together went to a Masonic hall where the weekend was to be held.

We had to go through a very rigorous process of registration .First we had to take our meal (made for Royalty) to the serving area. Then we had to sign a release form of some kind. I put the date incorrectly on it and they didn't like it--so they had to throw that copy away and start again. I thought that was strange. I have a medical problem so I had to put a special sticker on my nametag specifying that. Soon we all knew who had a medical problem.

The meeting began about 8:30 AM and Justin's partner came and spoke with us--giving us definitions over and over throughout the weekend. She defined words like "commitment" and "relationship". She talked for a while then we were handed out questionnaires. I could not believe the personal nature of the questions--some were about sexual orientation, fantasies, relationships etc.

On a table on the stage was a purple candle-this candle was to be kept lit for the whole two days. We had a break, but you could not just go to the bathroom--you had to politely ask the guards (guards were everywhere).They looked quite formidable (don't mess with me sort of look).We came into the room again and we were hoping to see Justin Sterling. Nothing happened, some of us chatted--discussing work and life. Hours passed and still nothing--still no Justin. Our behinds were getting sore and people were wondering what was going on. There was no structure--it was driving me insane!

For four hours they locked us in that hall and got us royally annoyed. Some women started swearing, others began being creative--singing, dancing and yelling for Justin to come in. Some women chanted--"trust the process, trust the process"! All of us were going stir-crazy. Imagine being trapped for four hours. Then a deep voice came on the PA system. It was Justin's voice. We all looked around like mad hens searching for food scraps. We found that he was looking at us through a video monitor. A camera was at the back of the hall taping the whole weekend.

Justin Sterling finally arrived in person--though we were annoyed by his "tardiness" He did this on purpose. Justin spoke to us like a TV talk show host, walked up and down the isles and took questions from the women [like Phil Donahue?]. It was awful. Every question was answered with an insult or some macho, backward and warped Sterling philosophy. He made us feel that it was our fault for bringing out the vindictiveness in him. I could see his ego as a looming large like a cloud around him.

There were exercises like writing poems, letters to our mothers--those were nice. Some of the women were encouraged to read them out. One of the most disturbing times during the weekend is when we had to do the grieving process--our emotions were so strong and primal at this stage. The lights were down low and there was "New Age" music playing. People were hugging each other crying--revealing their deepest sins and tribulation. We were told to start chanting. It was eerie, bizarre ritual. We all started howling like wolves baying at the moon. The moods suddenly changed and the lights came up and we all started dancing--shirts and bras sometimes coming off.

As the day progressed we were getting tired and we listened to more of Justin's philosophies and advice. It was around 8:00 PM and time for supper. It was good to rest and have some nourishment in our bodies.

At the end of the day, before we went to sleep--we had to do the anger exercise. We had to pretend that another woman was a man that we hated and yell at that person. Not too easy when I don't really hate anybody. It was about 2:00 AM when we went to bed.

In the morning we got up about 7:30 and had a very cold three minute shower--another exercise in commitment and strength. We began with the same routines--Justin's partner stated definitions and

Justin's monotonous advice. A couple women quit during the weekend and they made them feel horrible and inadequate for not committing.

The men's teams made our supper as a favor for us. After supper, we went back into the hall again and discussed more Sterling stuff. It was about 9-10 PM and we weren't allowed to fall asleep. He kept us there until about 8:00 in the morning. I was becoming ill and feeling very irritable. Other women were snapping at each other. We were like robots--Justin jumped, we jumped. And most of us hadn't changed our clothes the whole day. Talk about cult-like--all of us were in altered states and I became quite sick after being up over 24 hours.

Then came the sex part--Justin taught us how to please a man and make us moan. I was the moaner--talk about humiliating. Some of the women explained their explicit sexual fantasies in front of everybody. I could not believe what I was hearing! My memory is blurry again.

The graduation ceremony was very emotional. Everybody was hypersensitive and crying. We were filled with the emotions of fear, fright and happiness--all at once. It is very hard to explain. I was shaking very excited. My eyes felt glazed--if anyone spoke with me I was in a stupor. What I had learned that weekend was ingrained for a year. It wasn't until about a year and a half that my parents and best friends were asking me what the hell I was doing. One of my friends wouldn't talk to me because of this and my boyfriend broke up with me because he hated Sterling.

Our group in Victoria included about fifteen members. But slowly, some of the members left--quitting the group. When I was still in--I thought, "what losers, they don't know what commitment means, they've go chips on their shoulders". In October of 1997, my boyfriend left me and I thought, "fuck, what a jerk--he doesn't know how to be a man". But slowly, my ethical program turned on and I realized he was right, my friends were right, my parents were right--everyone I loved.

Finally, in January of 1998 four Sterling women and I quit the group due to many reasons. Things like "open houses"--I felt so silly withholding so much information and not telling prospective members about what to really to expect. Just before I quit, I heard that we were to become part of the family of women. I felt Ill and thought--"oh, great I'm getting out of here now!

The reaction was quite interesting from other members of the group---"how dare you", "that's not acceptable"," what have we done wrong?", "This is bad"! I also located some stuff of the Internet-made some copies and sent it to many members and former members. I didn't quit because of what was on the Internet--actually the Net stuff just reinforced the reasons for me breaking out! Rumor has it that the group has shattered completely from fifteen members to about four. The men's group is tiny now too--because many of the men disagreed with Sterling ideas as well.

There were some great times that I can't deny, but for what it represents I cannot associate with it any more. I don't talk to the members any more. I talk to a few former members--who ,like me, had to break-off because of ethical reasons. I noticed a very false overtone--that now looking back was a cover. Some of

[Sterling members] were so into [Justin's] ideas that any responses against them were brushed off or totally ignored--"NOT WITH THE PROGRAM"! THIS GROUP IS EVERYWHERE! I never realized how prevalent it is in Victoria, British Columbia and other parts of CANADA, especially VANCOUVER!